Monday, 3 October 2016

11 things not to say to a bride before her wedding and the dirty secret nobody will tell you before you start planning the big day.

With 16 days to go, I'm SO looking forward to the day after my wedding when all this will be over.
Most of the planning has been managing expectations and fielding the same questions over and over again. So here's a compilation of things you'd probably be better off not saying to a bride before her wedding day. Not in any specific order, apart from number one, there's also some handy alternatives should you feel the need to unintentionally drain the life from the expectant bride in your life.

1. Are you going to go on a diet?

Yeah, someone flat out asked me this. Although I have no issues at all with being a tad over weight, I know that my guy loves me 100% but this question only added more 'shit to do' onto my list. After I'd already ordered my made to measure dress I decided that yeah, I'm not worried about it & I don't care if anyone else is.

There's no alternative to this, just don't!

2. Have you set a date?

This has got to be the most asked question. It's frustrating af, as the reason we kept putting it off was we were scared and each time someone asked it sort of made us die a little inside. Trust me, you'll know when the date is set, so just stop asking.

Why not ask 'so are people harassing you guys about your date yet?' Letting them know you sympathise & understand, even if you don't. You'll probably get more details this way and you may even be able to offer some words of wisdom.

3. Aren't you worried about the weather?

If the happy couple is having an Autumn/Winter wedding it's most likely because they want to. They will have considered the weather naturally, but as we can have a hail storm in summer these days they're just going to take their chances and roll with it. 

Why not tell them their Autumn wedding makes you feel all warm and cosy and it's gonna be so cool being newlyweds around Christmas.

4. Are you excited for the big day?

You may not think it, but this is a really complicated question and when asked, brings up a straight NO in the throat. Chances are there's been no time in between the keeping everyone happy and involved, compromises & hours and hours of Pinterest research to even think about the real point of the 'big day'.

Try something like, 'so how are you? I know wedding planning can be tough, I'm here if you need to vent.'

5. Couldn't you just elope?

While you might be saying this as a joke, don't worry, it's certainly been considered, researched and deemed impossible. Eloping may seem like winning the lottery for the bride and groom who must be married in the Church so this question is another soul killer.

Probably best not to mention this one at all.

6. Well can't you just change the date?

A couple's wedding date isn't usually something that's just pulled out of a hat. They've thought about it hard and it will either just feel perfect or have some sentimental value to them.

Even if the wedding date doesn't fit with your schedule or plans, please don't make this known. If you can't make it, just say. If you can't understand a midweek wedding, Google it.

7. What's the colour theme, what should I wear, what is such & such wearing, should we change this or that?

Colour decisions may not be top of mind for the bride de jour. If there's a set palette then this will be communicated early on. They'll most likely not know (or care) what guests are wearing on the day and the decisions they've made already, they are happy with. Asking to add or change things further down the line lead to decision paralysis and the infamous soul drain.

Why not ask how they envisioned the day originally, the feelings and the tone they wanted. This will bring out a far more descriptive vision and I can pretty much guarantee you'll get your answer without them knowing they're being questioned!

8. Are you sure you like that?

Sometimes it seems like the bride is a bit slow, disinterested or pissed off. This is because they make decisions instantly but are constantly asked if they're sure. If they've been planning the big day since they were a nipper or are just coming round to it now, just be sure that they know what they like and the first answer is right.

It's great for a bride to have helpers and believe me she really does appreciate it, but remember she is constantly making choices, narrowing down, researching, pro and con listing and she knows her vision inside out. So when she tells you she loves that floral display, please don't make her prove it to you.

9. So what are you doing about the cake/flowers/cars/photographer/insert other wedding stuff? 

Well listen, I know a guy.

Certain tasks around the wedding are very often snapped up and dealt with by the wedding helpers, which is fantastic!
However, you probably don't know who's doing what, if they need any help and if they've sorted it yet but wait, you know a great guy! So asking the bride is the right thing to do, right? She knows exactly where everyone is up to at any given time.
Actually, she doesn't. Maybe Aunt Mabel said she really wanted to sort out a posh wedding car. So when you ring the bride and are told this and still say 'shall I ring my guy' it's an instant brain cell killer for her, she'll probably come off rude and evasive but she's trying to work out how to tell you again that someone else is looking after that whilst being polite and thankful for your concern.

If you 'know a guy' it's probably best to either wait until the bride puts out a FB 'anyone know a guy' post or ring the parents/parents-in law.
It's really nice to want to help and in any normal situation the bride would be truly thankful but she's being asked where she's up to with stuff more than she likes and it's starting to get her down. A great alternative would be a quick text saying you're free if she needs any help with anything. 

10. Oh, I invited (insert name/s) to the church because they'd be really upset if they weren't invited.

This is quite possibly THE worst thing to say and do, maybe even more so than the diet comment. A church v's night do guest list is a finely balanced work that teeters on a knife edge of emotional blackmail.
Just one person invited without the bride & groom's approval can knock the whole balance off and could then result in the whole list having to be re-jigged. Plus you've probably just ruined the day, and they are no longer looking forward to it, just saying!

Don't ever, ever, ever invite people to the church that the bride & groom haven't already. You have created unnecessary stress for the couple, gone against their wishes and it actually upsets them far more than the uninvited. The bride and groom will remember this for the rest of their lives, the guests, not so much.

11. It's your day, you can do what you like.

The people who make comments like this are either the long-time hitched or the un-wed. It's quite possibly the best kept dirty little secret in matrimony. You can't learn this without going through the planning phase and boy is it a steep curve!
It's a lie, a straight up big fat lie and the people spreading these lies are those closest to you! I guess that's the worst news since you found out Father Christmas isn't real, right?
If you're around a bride and groom in the planning stage then simply DO NOT use this phrase, after day one of announcing their date, they will know you're talking bullshit and you may well be the person that reaches the 'it's your day' limit for that day (the venue lady tipped me over).

The best version of this is something like, 'I bet people keep saying it's your big day, right?' and then do some evil laugh. This will totally break the ice and the couple will instantly love you. Maybe even add something like 'well what can I do to help you through it?'.

I'd love to know what seemingly innocent questions and comments you've been asked in the run up to your wedding that were super hard to answer/sucked out your life force.
Let us all know in the comments.

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